The Sleeve Situation

How befitting that #TransformationTuesday would end up on the anniversary date of my surgery. Today was the day I had gastric sleeve surgery.  Today is the day that would forever change my life.  More importantly, that was only physically, because mentally I was already EVERYTHING!!!  I had accomplished SOOOOO much even weighing 417 pounds, I made moves that people said a woman my size shouldn't have. To this day I never paid for a photo shoot because photographers saw beauty in me and built their portfolio off me, yes me this over weight black woman.  I graced magazines, featured on countless websites, I graced stage doing plays, small movie parts and casted for a sitcom.  The mayor gave me my own day in my city. I strutted all 400+ pounds of me up to that podium in front of the City Council with pride and received my proclamation.  Many male artist took their paint, brushes and created me as art with the stroke of their hands.  I am one the most featured poets in this city on male hip hop artist tracks. Even featured on men tracks in other states and even as far as London.  I hosted my own shows. Been in the top 50 most played on indie radio shows in many parts of the world.  I have been celebrated at many levels and honored.  I've been awarded.  I am loved!! 

See the surgery just was a step to keep me here for my son and to continue to be a force and show women that you don't have to fit the box,  BURST THAT BITCH WIDE OPEN. I didn't wait for permission to BE.  I didn't wait for anyone to SEE.  No one had to understand.  As a child I was told I would be a big fat black woman in a nasty house, full of kids.  I was told no one would hire me because of my size. I would be easy because of my size. I was told things that I made a point to forget.  Guess what, NONE OF THOSE THINGS came to be. I developed the thickest skin ever, this is why I am so strong now.  My size made me wise.  This is why my clap back game is so strong.  This is why I have a take no shit persona,  but respectfully.  This is why I use my voice.  I am a poet because I had no voice and all I could do was write it out. Ohhhh but the day I realized I owned my voice and no one else had the right to abuse my spirit, it was a wrap. 

This surgery was not easy and anyone who thinks it is, go have it and get back to me.  I still have to put in the work.  It is not some magical process.  I have days where I don't want to deal and some days I am ON IT!!  This surgery was a tool and like any tool you have to maneuver it.  I am grateful for all the support and encouragement I have had from the day I decided to have it.

I am thankful for my mother  and aunt staying with me day and night in that hospital. Those two made my stay hilarious and they waited on me hand and foot.  The nurses barley had to do anything other the medical stuff.  They slept uncomfortable for three nights to be by my side.  I am thankful for Tacara Hemingway driving to and from Lagrange to make sure those doctors and nurses were on it.  I remember hearing her voice while I was still drugged up from surgery  asking the nurses "What is that? " .."Have y'all gave her this? " .."She need her pain meds! ".. "Grandé are you in pain baby? " .."Is this (inserts some nurse medical talk) ".." She needs this" ...she wasn't playing about me boyyyy LOL..  Thank you to my sister Cetera for coming and staying with me when I got home and making sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  I felt so loved and comfortable knowing she was there if anything went wrong. She kept me laughing you already know it. 

My highest weight was 417 ,I worked my way down to under 400 doing little things here and there, but I wasn't disciplined.  The day of my surgery I was 378 and today I am 266. That's 151 pounds gone!!!  The surgery disciplines me.  I am staying in the fight for my life.  I have been winning and will continue to do so.  God is AMAZING and I am blessed!!! 

Moment in Transparency

Moment in Transparency!!!

This is a battle that I have to be honest about. I think most of it came from my mother's protection of me.  I say that because, yes she saw me as her beautiful daughter,  but she also knew that men would see my weight as my weakness.  So she not purposely, but in a nurturing way created a steel being within me. She told me what society told her. She warned me that boys would come my way only to take advantage. She told me how beautiful I was, so that no boy could ever think that was the key to unlocking me sexually.  So in my head boys would think they could tell me the moon was was in their back pocket and I was a unicorn to get a piece of me.  Vulnerability to me was out of the question (still is). Weakness was out of the question from the moment I spoke to males.

  Now those boys have grown into men, and I am still that same teenager who hears her mother's words. Through life I always left men.  I always found a problem, I never allowed myself to truly love a man, because I never wanted him to have that advantage.  I married a man I wasn't truly in love with so I could always have that advantage to walk away. Yes I've liked men ,but never been in love.  That's where I drew the line.  I could have it all love, communication, sex, gifts ,time and money,  but not at the expense of me loving anyone back.  I look at women and wonder what it's like to love deeply.  I could never understand how women could break up with men and not want to eat, sleep or get out of bed.  I questioned "How is this possible? ", because my reality was never allowing myself beyond a point of no return.

Now don't get me wrong its peaceful in this way, but I can't help but think what I could be missing. This is why when I'm called bitter I laugh because, I haven't even loved to the point of being hurt and damaged.  It's a conflict because I looove sooo much!!!  I am soooo loving!!  Maybe it's God because truthfully no one I was with other than my husband was deserving of my love,  but I wasn't deserving of his.  He is someone else's blessing.

Through typing this I got it now.  I mean I really just found my own answers. I am not desperate, searching or ready because it isn't time.  He hasn't come yet. That's why I never did.  Imagine if I had and it was wrong all those times. That means I would not trust nor want love from the pain of it.  One day I will find out who I've been saving it all for.  Why I didn't waste it here, there and everywhere.  Yea that's it, I can care, show love, experience, enjoy, spend time and all that other stuff but, there is nothing wrong with me saving my true love, and my ability to love beyond my wildest dreams for someone sooooo damn deserving I composed myself and stock piled it all for him. 

It's A Thin Line Between Real and Game

You know I just realized that the movie "A Thin Line Between Love And Hate" is a powerpoint for when these ashy's get on post saying, "But y'all knew that when you got with him" or "You should choose better" or when women of higher levels lower themselves for love.

My fellow ashy brethren and dusty pick me chicks,  what you are watching is the prime example of how a man can be a wolf in sheeps clothing until he gets his main goal accomplished, which is not sex in every case.  It can be for a place to stay, some money, until he comes up or smells a new tail.

Darnell changed his whole persona just to get Brandy.  This fool damn near broke his back falling from a horse for a piece of ass.  Pay attention to how he talks to every woman he encounters differently.  He could be the disrespectful club promoter dangling VIP access over women heads to his advantage. Switch to the loving mama boy,  protective older brother for his sister and whining friend zoned puppy for Mia. Then becomes a damn suite wearing charming, Lalique expert for Brandy.

See mama and sister sees him as provider and protector so no way he would dare mistreat women.  His homebody played by Bobby Brown knows the asshole, and gets off on the homie getting off, and playing women.  It's a sport for them, like many men.

In the end he hits Brandy with what her and many women never see coming , a FUCK BOY!!

Would she had fallen if she knew the Darnell that Mia knew?
HELL NO!!

Would she had picked the Darnell cursing women out at the VIP ropes??  HELL NO

Guess what Darnell knew that too,  that's why he lied,  perpetrated and became the  imposter he knew was necessary.

So the next time you get the dumb ass idea that women are out here picking fuck boys all willy nilly, remember Darnell's whole performance. #YoureWelcome

Plus Size Women Should Be Pissed!!

   So let's talk about it!!  When did plus size women become so desperate for acceptance ?? As some may know there is a video out by Trinidad James, Mystikal and Lil Dickey called "Just a lil thick" . Ohh, but don't get too excited, because it is a total disgrace and mocks plus size women. I'll take it a step further, it is a disrespect to women period. 

   What's even more disheartening is the fact that there are actually plus size women who see nothing wrong with the lyrics or the tone of the video. There were plus sized women walking around eating cookies, cupcakes, pies, chicken and twerking on kitchen counters as Trinidad James rapped lines such as, "And if you tell her that you love her she'll buy you a whip". I was floored, are you serious? So basically the plus size women in this video are cosigning that they have to pay for love and affection.  Not only that he says, "Anything a slim ho can do, she can do it better", why are we calling women ho's? This video was a disrespect to grandmothers, mothers, aunties and sisters all over. I'm sure these men have plus size women in their families. So if their daughters grow up and gain weight is this truly the image they want their babies to see? Do these women in the video want teenage girls suffering from low self-esteem to think this is what we as plus size women have to lower ourselves to, just to get attention, just to be seen on tv?

   This entire video summed plus size women up as over eating, freak ho's, who have to pay for affection.  Mystikal said on one of his lines, "I'm coming over later with a plate.", as if it's a trade for sex.  I am so disgusted and sadden by this whole entire message.  I wake up everyday breaking down walls,  and tearing down stereotypes that have been placed upon women. I have two fights on my hands because I am black, and I am plus size.  Now that this has happen, I have to fight ten times harder . I won't give up!!  All my plus size sisters please let them know this is not us, this is not our lives, this is not what we have to accept, and we will show the world better than we can tell the world.

   I will be discussing this more May 7th, on my radio show "Beauty, Brain's & Boldness" on www.musedigital1.tv channel 3007, every Saturday from 12pm - 2pm .

You can also check out my YouTube on this subject https://youtu.be/CGDwQX9U-QI .

Follow me on Instagram : www.instagram.com/the_real_grandebeauty/

Twitter:  @_GrandeBeauty

Nice guys always.....want to finish with ejaculation.

   So let's talk about it!! The good old "nice guys" . You know the ones who whine about being friend zoned by women . Are they really nice?? Well they sure don't seem so nice when things don't go where they planned for their niceness to take them. I really think it's a mission, yes let's call it that, "Mission Mr. Nice Guy". You know how when you wanted that toy , and played nice with mommy to be rewarded with it.

   The sad thing is these type men have played this role so long, they actually have convinced themselves that they mean well. They call women users when it doesn't develop into a romance. Mr. Nice Guy really thinks a few dates and wiping his prey's tears away, seals the deal.  Newsflash Mr. Nice Guy, a woman still has the right to decide if you are what she wants. Do you know how many nice guys we encounter on a day to day bases?? So should we give all nice guys a shot?? Oh if we did that we would be "sluts" and a "ho" then. Guess what, it takes more than you being nice for a woman to want a relationship with you. The bag boy at the local supermarket is nice too, should she give him a shot. Did it ever occur to you that there are other things less attractive about you? Yea you pay for meals, and answer her calls at two o'clock in the morning, but is your apartment clean when she comes over, is your hygiene up to her standards, are you outgoing, do you want kids, are you physically her type, can you cook? etc.

   See I have come to realize these type men think they are the only ones who can have preferences.  They can turn down the fat chick, the flat chested chick, the chick with no car or the chick with no sense of humour. While a woman's only preference should be that you treat her nice.  No sir, we have more preferences than you opening doors and taking care of the check at dinner. Then these guys show their insecurities and how much of a dick they are by trying to make women feel bad for choosing someone more attractive than they are,when men are some of the most shallow beings ever. Just look at their friend list and the women they follow on social media.

   So you feel used?? In order to feel used, somewhere in your mind you assured yourself that you were going to gain something.  What was that?? Because if you are just a naturally nice guy it should just be in your nature to do nice things, and to be a nice person. What you are admitting is that you put in effort to be nice for some type of reward. So you used your "Nice Guy" act to get something you never got.  Who's fault is this?? Certainly not the woman, she held her end of the situation, she was nice in return right?? What more did you want Mr. Nice Guy? Let's stop beating around the bush and be real with ourselves here. You and I both know you have fantasized and even pleasured yourself to the thoughts of your "Nice Guy Pay Out " with a little backpack to boot. When that didn't happen "Mr. Who I Really Am" came home.  In most of these cases women are very honest about their feelings and lack there of, but you keep showering her with gifts and attention hoping someday she has a change of heart, or shall we say hormones.

   See this whole thing is the equivalent to women who have sex with men in hopes of him having a change of heart. We take take take, any and everything knowing love will never be on the table. This friend zone thing would never be an issue with nice guys if women were built like them. What I mean by that is, men can have sex with a woman and have not an ounce of true intentions and or full attraction. Women not so much, we can't go there if we aren't feeling it. Truth is ,you would be okay if nice guys could have sex with her even if a full relationship is out of reach. But since all bets are off the table your ego can't deal. You used yourself to get something that is not your right. Thinking all you had to do was be the "Nice Guy" .

   Well mommy seen right through you kid, she knew you were being a good little boy just to get that toy you wanted. She knew just as soon as you had it in your possession the act would over .  Soon as you were bored with it you were gonna put your "Mr. Nice Guy" persona back on, and work on getting a new toy.  We are onto you "Mr.Nice Guy" and the gig is up.

  

Too Black To Be My Mothers Child

   So let's talk about it!! Let's talk about the first time the color of your skin was brought to your attention.  The first time you felt either too light or too dark.  That moment you were made to feel different than family members or friends. Now ask yourself this, "Who brought this to my attention? ". Nine times out of ten it was someone who's black that pointed this out. 

   Majority of black households brings the difference of skin color to the sureface  before a white person ever does . Black mother's and father's don't realize how they separate their children by color. They don't realize how they can make their child feel insignificant to their siblings, because one is a different complexion than the other. This ignorance can be very damaging. Most do it thinking it's a term of endearment.  Calling one child "My Chocolate Baby" and the other "My Pretty Red Baby" . I even know men who still go by their childhood nickname "Black Boy" to this day. Some think that by calling their darker daughters and son's "Chocolate"  will give them a boost of self esteem.  It will make them appreciate their skin tone as they grow up. Wanna know why this is the mindset of these parents?  Because they already know society will damage them for being a darker complexion.  They know the negativity they will face being darker skin. So I asked myself , why separate them by color in your home if you already know society will do the same thing. Calling them your "Chocolate Baby", then they meet the world that will make this very thing seem like a curse.  They will start to think well I was the "Chocolate one" that society looks over, thinks is less beautiful,  and my sister was the "Pretty Red One" and all images of the "Pretty Red " women are praised. So now do you see what you have done?? You destroyed your child before any white person could. I have been in hospitals with people and as soon as the baby pops out they are checking ears to see how light or dark the baby will be. Comments like he or she "So white " are thrown around the room.  I set there like "What are you doing??" . With black people like this, who needs white people.

   I grew up with a mother of a lighter complexion than I was. Before she had my sister I was the only child for seven years. My aunts were lighter than me, and my uncles.  But I never noticed this, because my family never made comments like "redbone", "yellowbone" . My mother had my sister, and my sister came out a lighter complexion than I was but, I never knew that, because to me she was just a black baby, because our mother is black, and our father is black.  I was just a black girl and my family was black, until the day my mother came to my class with my baby sister . I remember her walking in, and I'm excited because my mommy is here, and everyone gets to see my baby sister.  Everyone in the class was like "Oooo somebody mama here" and "Oooo that's a pretty baby.  I was like "That's my mama" the kids went puzzled . They were intrigued and I didn't understand why. They asked with excited disbelief "Tureka dat's yo mama foe real." , and I'm answering  excitedly confused "Yeaaa that's my mama". They went crazy over my sister. I didn't understand why they wouldn't believe this was my mother. This happened throughout my school years when my mother would come up to the school.  When my father would come there was no questions, no excitement.  I learned that I was too dark, to be my mother's daughter. I had never thought about it, never seen it with my eyes until someone else made me see it. Those kids , and the world, woke me up to something my mother nor my family ever made a subject. I was darker than them. All I had ever heard was I was pretty. I now know those kids came from families where skin color was talked about, labeled and separated. My mother and father have four kids, and they never called us by color. I am the darkest of my sisters and they never called me their "Chocolate Baby" . My brother is the darkest of all their kids and he was never "Black Boy" . To go even further I was always fat and my mother never called me her "Fat Baby". I love my mother and my family for being who they are and never being color struck.  It saved me from a lot of pain. I just knew I was pretty, and that's all they wanted me to know. Never told me I was "A pretty dark skin girl". Those kids where speaking foreign to me that day, but I learned the language fast. 

   Be mindful of your own prejudice.  Be mindful of what you are doing to your little girl or little boy. Just let them be your "Baby". Just let them be "Big Sis/Lil Sis" or "Big Bro/Lil Bro" that's the only thing that should separate them. Being a lighter or darker complexion, being bigger or smaller, should not be something brought to their attention in your home.  Don't be your own enemy and worst critic.  Just let them be black.

Thank you Lisa!!!💖💞💖💞💖

  

Do Black Girls Really Rock??

   So let's talk about it!!  I have watched Black Girls Rock every year since it begin back in 2010. I must say last night's show was different from any other shows. I don't know if I am the only one who could feel it but, emotions were high, and the messages were so very deep. Even the artist seemed to have put their souls into every word, and brought the atmosphere to a full circle.

    I commend the founder Beverly Bond, for stepping up and shining a light upon women of color. It is so necessary for us to be seen in a positive light. Social media has a field day at the black woman's expense everyday.  We suffer some of the most disgusting prejudice and down right hate from our own black men. Just like any other time, here comes the black woman to make it all better. If we didn't have us, I don't know what we would do.

   I was in the dark about the distaste black men had for black women for a long time . Sure, I knew a few that would date white women, and praise any other color but, black women. They aren't my concern nor a threat to me. The black men who despise black women, but yet bait, date and create with black women, are who I have a major problem with. It's pretty much like a job you hate, but you clock in because it pays the bills. You don't give your one hundred percent, and despise your boss for getting in your ass about it. Well we as black women have got to get tired of giving negros employee appreciation for half ass jobs. Giving half ass love, being half ass father's and half ass men. You do know one person can bring a whole company down. So don't risk the possibility of your life being in shambles. 

   The power that I witnessed in that room last night was amazing. If all black girls would rock together we could be a force that is so unbelievable.  But first we have to recognize what is happening in front of our eyes. We have to admit that the relationship between the black man and black woman is so volatile right now. The only time we get along is when it is sexual communication.  What has happen to us?? There are men that you can name right now, who will only comment on your post if you have turned them on with a sexy picture, or pissed them off with a post.  There is no in between anymore. Either it is communication the leads to the bedroom, or communication that could lead to the courtroom. We have got to address this and get back to love.

   So now that the annual Black Girls Rock show is over, and we have felt empowered and uplifted. We have posted about the outfits we liked, best performances and speeches. Are we gonna keep on rocking?? How do we keep on rocking?? Are we going to stop sharing post degrading and belittling our sisters??  Are you going to stop cosigning the bull shit we see on social media?? I urge all my sisters to take a minute to re-examine yourself and your contribution to the hate and distaste for your black sisters.  We can only rock together if we are all in unison.