The Sleeve Situation

How befitting that #TransformationTuesday would end up on the anniversary date of my surgery. Today was the day I had gastric sleeve surgery.  Today is the day that would forever change my life.  More importantly, that was only physically, because mentally I was already EVERYTHING!!!  I had accomplished SOOOOO much even weighing 417 pounds, I made moves that people said a woman my size shouldn't have. To this day I never paid for a photo shoot because photographers saw beauty in me and built their portfolio off me, yes me this over weight black woman.  I graced magazines, featured on countless websites, I graced stage doing plays, small movie parts and casted for a sitcom.  The mayor gave me my own day in my city. I strutted all 400+ pounds of me up to that podium in front of the City Council with pride and received my proclamation.  Many male artist took their paint, brushes and created me as art with the stroke of their hands.  I am one the most featured poets in this city on male hip hop artist tracks. Even featured on men tracks in other states and even as far as London.  I hosted my own shows. Been in the top 50 most played on indie radio shows in many parts of the world.  I have been celebrated at many levels and honored.  I've been awarded.  I am loved!! 

See the surgery just was a step to keep me here for my son and to continue to be a force and show women that you don't have to fit the box,  BURST THAT BITCH WIDE OPEN. I didn't wait for permission to BE.  I didn't wait for anyone to SEE.  No one had to understand.  As a child I was told I would be a big fat black woman in a nasty house, full of kids.  I was told no one would hire me because of my size. I would be easy because of my size. I was told things that I made a point to forget.  Guess what, NONE OF THOSE THINGS came to be. I developed the thickest skin ever, this is why I am so strong now.  My size made me wise.  This is why my clap back game is so strong.  This is why I have a take no shit persona,  but respectfully.  This is why I use my voice.  I am a poet because I had no voice and all I could do was write it out. Ohhhh but the day I realized I owned my voice and no one else had the right to abuse my spirit, it was a wrap. 

This surgery was not easy and anyone who thinks it is, go have it and get back to me.  I still have to put in the work.  It is not some magical process.  I have days where I don't want to deal and some days I am ON IT!!  This surgery was a tool and like any tool you have to maneuver it.  I am grateful for all the support and encouragement I have had from the day I decided to have it.

I am thankful for my mother  and aunt staying with me day and night in that hospital. Those two made my stay hilarious and they waited on me hand and foot.  The nurses barley had to do anything other the medical stuff.  They slept uncomfortable for three nights to be by my side.  I am thankful for Tacara Hemingway driving to and from Lagrange to make sure those doctors and nurses were on it.  I remember hearing her voice while I was still drugged up from surgery  asking the nurses "What is that? " .."Have y'all gave her this? " .."She need her pain meds! ".. "Grandé are you in pain baby? " .."Is this (inserts some nurse medical talk) ".." She needs this" ...she wasn't playing about me boyyyy LOL..  Thank you to my sister Cetera for coming and staying with me when I got home and making sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  I felt so loved and comfortable knowing she was there if anything went wrong. She kept me laughing you already know it. 

My highest weight was 417 ,I worked my way down to under 400 doing little things here and there, but I wasn't disciplined.  The day of my surgery I was 378 and today I am 266. That's 151 pounds gone!!!  The surgery disciplines me.  I am staying in the fight for my life.  I have been winning and will continue to do so.  God is AMAZING and I am blessed!!! 

Moment in Transparency

Moment in Transparency!!!

This is a battle that I have to be honest about. I think most of it came from my mother's protection of me.  I say that because, yes she saw me as her beautiful daughter,  but she also knew that men would see my weight as my weakness.  So she not purposely, but in a nurturing way created a steel being within me. She told me what society told her. She warned me that boys would come my way only to take advantage. She told me how beautiful I was, so that no boy could ever think that was the key to unlocking me sexually.  So in my head boys would think they could tell me the moon was was in their back pocket and I was a unicorn to get a piece of me.  Vulnerability to me was out of the question (still is). Weakness was out of the question from the moment I spoke to males.

  Now those boys have grown into men, and I am still that same teenager who hears her mother's words. Through life I always left men.  I always found a problem, I never allowed myself to truly love a man, because I never wanted him to have that advantage.  I married a man I wasn't truly in love with so I could always have that advantage to walk away. Yes I've liked men ,but never been in love.  That's where I drew the line.  I could have it all love, communication, sex, gifts ,time and money,  but not at the expense of me loving anyone back.  I look at women and wonder what it's like to love deeply.  I could never understand how women could break up with men and not want to eat, sleep or get out of bed.  I questioned "How is this possible? ", because my reality was never allowing myself beyond a point of no return.

Now don't get me wrong its peaceful in this way, but I can't help but think what I could be missing. This is why when I'm called bitter I laugh because, I haven't even loved to the point of being hurt and damaged.  It's a conflict because I looove sooo much!!!  I am soooo loving!!  Maybe it's God because truthfully no one I was with other than my husband was deserving of my love,  but I wasn't deserving of his.  He is someone else's blessing.

Through typing this I got it now.  I mean I really just found my own answers. I am not desperate, searching or ready because it isn't time.  He hasn't come yet. That's why I never did.  Imagine if I had and it was wrong all those times. That means I would not trust nor want love from the pain of it.  One day I will find out who I've been saving it all for.  Why I didn't waste it here, there and everywhere.  Yea that's it, I can care, show love, experience, enjoy, spend time and all that other stuff but, there is nothing wrong with me saving my true love, and my ability to love beyond my wildest dreams for someone sooooo damn deserving I composed myself and stock piled it all for him.