This is a battle that I have to be honest about. I think most of it came from my mother's protection of me. I say that because, yes she saw me as her beautiful daughter, but she also knew that men would see my weight as my weakness. So she not purposely, but in a nurturing way created a steel being within me. She told me what society told her. She warned me that boys would come my way only to take advantage. She told me how beautiful I was, so that no boy could ever think that was the key to unlocking me sexually. So in my head boys would think they could tell me the moon was was in their back pocket and I was a unicorn to get a piece of me. Vulnerability to me was out of the question (still is). Weakness was out of the question from the moment I spoke to males.
Now those boys have grown into men, and I am still that same teenager who hears her mother's words. Through life I always left men. I always found a problem, I never allowed myself to truly love a man, because I never wanted him to have that advantage. I married a man I wasn't truly in love with so I could always have that advantage to walk away. Yes I've liked men ,but never been in love. That's where I drew the line. I could have it all love, communication, sex, gifts ,time and money, but not at the expense of me loving anyone back. I look at women and wonder what it's like to love deeply. I could never understand how women could break up with men and not want to eat, sleep or get out of bed. I questioned "How is this possible? ", because my reality was never allowing myself beyond a point of no return.
Now don't get me wrong its peaceful in this way, but I can't help but think what I could be missing. This is why when I'm called bitter I laugh because, I haven't even loved to the point of being hurt and damaged. It's a conflict because I looove sooo much!!! I am soooo loving!! Maybe it's God because truthfully no one I was with other than my husband was deserving of my love, but I wasn't deserving of his. He is someone else's blessing.
Through typing this I got it now. I mean I really just found my own answers. I am not desperate, searching or ready because it isn't time. He hasn't come yet. That's why I never did. Imagine if I had and it was wrong all those times. That means I would not trust nor want love from the pain of it. One day I will find out who I've been saving it all for. Why I didn't waste it here, there and everywhere. Yea that's it, I can care, show love, experience, enjoy, spend time and all that other stuff but, there is nothing wrong with me saving my true love, and my ability to love beyond my wildest dreams for someone sooooo damn deserving I composed myself and stock piled it all for him.
